post.11.

this week, my hours were cut at work – severely cut – so cut, in fact, that i had three whole days to do absolutely whatever i wanted. i didn’t have any extra-curricular activity-type commitments, and school hadn’t started yet. my roommate was home, and i was all alone. alone and free – free to do whatever i pleased; to write and read and sing and dance and cook and put together puzzles. i was free to bask in the beauty that is silence. i was free to exist in my pajamas only for thirty-six hours, but only if i wanted to. i was free to take an infinite amount of naps, and sleep in as late as i wanted – or i didn’t have to sleep at all. the couch and my blankets became my best friends, and if i didn’t feel like dealing with the mountains of laundry that a month on the road tends to accumulate, i didn’t have to (and in case you were wondering, that mountain did indeed go untouched).

for the first time all month, i got to focus on me. i prayed a lot, and watched my plant – denise, i have named her. i painted my fingernails and then re-painted them later. i plucked my eyebrows and shaved my legs and took a thirty minute shower. i drank tea and watched old movies i’d been wanting to see. it was a beautiful, beautiful time.

it struck me too, in my time alone, that one of my first blog posts was about feeling lonely, feeling insecure with the idea of solidarity. isn’t it amazing then, that only a month later i am reveling in exactly that? praise god, hmm?

january 2012 has opened my eyes entirely, to new worlds, new individuals, new ideas and as corny as it sounds, a new me – a me who loves who she is and everything she is about, a me who isn’t afraid to fly it solo, and more importantly, a me who isn’t afraid to fly at all.

beauty in inspiration.

post.10.

i feel like i have been traveling for the entire month of january…probably because i have. no sooner did i get back from the college theater festival and i was going again for another week – this time traveling with a small group of musicians called the university singers, a contemporary acapella group put together for recruiting purposes. all of us are members of the bigger concert choir, so we know each other well, especially after touring europe together only a week before. for five days, we traveled around the tri-state area, singing in high-schools and meeting potential students.

i tried to think back to a time when i was in the shoes of those high schoolers: trying to fit in, stay cool and choose a college. it made me realize just how thankful i was to have been led to usf, and how much i have enjoyed my time here. it’s hard to believe i only have a few months left.

the experience turned out to be really wonderful, making music and memories with my fellow singers. we had some great performance experiences, as well as some fun conversations in the school van. the best moment of the week during a question/answer session following one of our performances. a small boy studied our group for a second before raising his even smaller hand in question. “are you guys a family?” he asked.

we looked around and smiled at each other. “we certainly are.”

that's a really cool thing.

...

to listen to the university singers performing on the streets of belgium, click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT_4CLkrRXI

post.9.

i love my job. i don’t know if many individuals can say that honestly – let alone part-time, mall employees – but for real, i couldn’t be happier to go to work. i work at bare escentuals, a tiny mineral make-up boutique in the empire mall. the company has boutiques all over the country, but ours is the only one in south dakota.

i have always been fixated with make-up, loving to experiment with color and style. working at bare escentuals, i do make up on at least fifteen women every shift. however, bare escentuals isn't just your run-of-the-mill kind of make-up company. we are about inner beauty - not just being pretty, but beautiful, and belive me, there is a difference. sure, we'll sell you the make up, but we'll also get to know and love you. we will laugh with you and cry with you, and thats not just a cheesy line. its one hundred percent true; i've experienced both.

women come in every shape and size and color, each with a different story and reason for stopping in. some have always wanted to wear make-up but have never known how, others simply want to look younger, and some come in with wheel chairs or amazing stories of cancer survival. women with severe scarring or deep redness walk in timidly, wondering if we have anything for “skin like theirs.” teens come in with their moms wanting to know where to start.

what an honor it is that these women so willingly put their trust, and sometimes more importantly, their self esteem in the hands of a stranger – me. by the time they are finished, though, we aren’t strangers anymore. i know their stories, their families, their interests, their occupations, and they know mine. we are friends, and we greet each other by name, even weeks later.

similarly, the women i work with are inspirational as well. never have i experienced a work environment as much like a family as the one i have now. we all enjoy each other, sincerely, and we lean on each other for support, motivation, and love.

being away from this family for so much of the month has been much more difficult than i imagined. my first shift back into work was almost tearful for me, we all shouted and hugged – it was amazing.

lisa, erin, amanda, katie, alyssa, kylie, cass, angie, bekah and m’lynn: you make me a better woman, a more beautiful woman, inside and out. you’ve changed my life and introduced me to a new passion, and for that I can never be grateful enough.

post.8.

as many of you know – and for those of you who didn’t, now you do – i am a theater major, in my last semester of my college career. it’s pretty scary, when i actually sit down to think about being thrust into the real world in only a matter of months, so i try not to (although most of the time, i can’t help it).

one of the neatest experiences i have had during my time in college has been my participation in the kennedy center’s american college theater festival – the irene ryan acting competition in particular.

the way it works is simple. when a college theater department puts on a production, they notify the organization and request a respondent. then, a representative – usually a theatre professor at another university participating in the festival – comes to view that particular production, taking notes and making observations. then, after the show, the respondent addresses the cast and crew, asking them questions about their characters or rehearsal process, and talking about his interpretation and ideas on the performance. after that, the cast leaves and the respondent and director discuss the show privately. between the two of them, they nominate two individuals, based on performance, to compete in the annual irene ryan acting competition. those individuals then pick partners (who have not been nominated) and prepare a “set” of material with which to compete. the competition is broken into five-state regions, with preliminary, semi-final, and final rounds. at the end of the festival and competition, two winners (in no particular order) are selected. those winners move on (along with the winners from the other regions) to a final competition taking place at the kennedy center in washington dc.

i have been blessed to have been nominated three times, two of which i competed at the festival. my first year was a definite learning experience for me and for my partner, tj. we were the only individuals from our university to attend, and to be honest, it was terrifying. the festival is a week long, meaning we drove ourselves and stayed in a hotel. we had no coach or school representative, but luckily, a few of the coaches from neighboring schools looked after us and gave us some tips for the week. we competed in the preliminary round only and were not selected to move on.

this year, however, was better. there was a larger group attending with us, and two other pairs were also competing. fortunately, the competition was being held in the same place – ames, iowa – so tj and i knew our way around and were able to help the rest of the group.

because we had been in europe, tj and i hadn’t prepared at all for our set. the most we had done was select literature, but even that wasn’t set in stone. we were only back for about a day and a half before we had to pack up and leave again, so needless to say, we were a bit nervous. luckily, we are used to learning quickly. the morning of the competition actually, is when we did the most work on our first selection, a scene from david margulies' "time stands still."

as i said before, the competition is divided into three rounds. during the preliminary round, a contestant and their partner are given three minutes to do either a scene or a musical duet. (there are usually between three hundred and three hundred-fifty contestants in the preliminary round. this year, there were two hundred ninety-eight.) after the preliminary round, the judges select sixty-four contestants to move on to the semifinal round. there, the pair is given five minutes to present their original scene or song, followed by another scene or song of a contrasting nature. in other words, if you performed a death scene during your first three minutes, you would take the last two minutes to present something comedic. from there, the judges narrow the contestants to a mere sixteen. those sixteen are then given the opportunity to perform their entire set for the largest audience yet – the whole festival, as well as a new group of very qualified and prestigious judges. the entire set consists of six minutes: the initial scene and the contrasting scene make up the first five, and the last minute is a spotlight on the nominee alone. the partner either turns his or her back on the audience or leaves the stage, while the nominee delivers a monologue of his or her choice. after that, the set is complete, and the stage is set for the next team.

anyway, tj and i made it through our initial performance in the prelims just fine. we were pleased with our first scene, but we had no expectations of moving on in the competition. there were at least four other amazing duos in our competition room alone, so again, we were proud, but certainly not optimistic. however, the judges must have liked what they saw, as we were indeed selected as one of the sixty-four semi-final competitors.

what an amazing feeling it was, reading our names on that list! we were on top of the world. we called mr. tener, our accompanist, and arranged to meet with him to rehearse the second portion of our set, the song “sue me” from guys and dolls. with the help of our dear friends rebekah, anna and debbi, we put together some choreography and hoped for the best. at this point, our expectations had already been exceeded, so whatever happened was simply for fun.

the morning of the semi-final round came before we knew it, and we readied ourselves and attempted to calm our nerves once more before entering the playing space. our song and scene went well – almost too well, it seemed – and in an instant our five minutes were over.

perhaps i should take a minute to tell you a little about my partner, tj. tj is a junior at the university of sioux falls, and we met his freshman year – my sophomore year. we had an instant chemistry that was undeniable, both on and off the stage. he is absolutely my best friend, and the individual that i trust the most on stage. tj has an amazing capability of making whomever he is playing opposite both look and perform better, which is the one of the best qualities that can be possessed in an actor. he is, without a doubt, the most talented individual i have ever met, and the only person with whom i would desire to share an experience like this one.

on the evening of the finals announcement, hundreds of individuals gathered in a crowded auditorium to learn who had advanced in the competition – sixty-four would soon become twelve. mine was the third name called.

to say we were over-joyed would be an understatement, and a great one at that. we couldn’t believe it. we laughed and cried and shouted with elation. it was a dream come true for both of us, and at the same time, a dream we had never dared hope for.

performing our entire set to a packed house of enthusiastic theater students was something i will never forget. as i sat in the wings with tj, waiting for our turn, i was overcome by such a sense of peace. we had both been blessed – beyond measure – to have had an experience like this one, and it solidified in both of our minds, even stronger, that this was the life and career for us. we come alive on the stage in a way that can’t be described, but that we both understand. it is an absolute gift, and i am grateful every second.

we were not selected as either of the two winners, but failure was the farthest thing from our minds. we had started as one of three hundred, and ended one of sixteen. we had grown as actors, as individuals, and as friends, and we both knew there was no loss in that.

post.7.

one of the most profound and moving experiences of my time in europe was visiting the anne frank house. ever since i was a little girl, stories of the holocaust and its victims have deeply interested and affected me, the story of anne frank in particular. i own several books about her life and her time in hiding, as well as her written diary, and i have read the diary itself probably eight times. in fact, when i was in sixth grade, with the help of anne’s diagram inside the diary, i built a small replica of her living quarters – the secret annex – complete with all the furnishings. my dad even helped me transport it to school, so that i could explain its significance to my classmates. i brought all the books i had on the subject as well, in case any of my fellow sixth graders wanted to do more research. only a couple of them took books, i remember, but i felt so fulfilled, being able to bring light to a situation and cause that i was so passionate about. it has always, always been a dream of mine to visit the secret annex.

walking through that hidden door behind the bookshelf was more surreal than anything i have experienced in my life. as i climbed the stairs to the hiding place, i tried to imagine living in confinement for as long as she did – over two years. being able to actually trace anne’s footsteps through the maze of rooms in the annex was so incredibly moving; it was so still and so eerie. i didn’t need to watch the videos or see the pictures of what the rooms originally looked like and who inhabited them; i knew the layout by heart. when i came upon anne’s room, i knew it instantly by the movie snapshots still pasted on the walls. anne loved movie stars, she always wanted to be famous someday.

i was not expecting the rooms to be bare, i assumed they would be furnished with either the original furniture items or replicas. i wished very much that i could have gotten a bit better picture of the annex residents’ daily life that way. luckily though, like i said, i was familiar with photos and written descriptions of the living quarters; therefore i could see well in my mind what the rooms and furnishings would and did look like.

i cannot begin to describe the turmoil of emotions inside me as i lingered in front of the display case that held anne’s diary. it was almost as if i was greeting an old friend; thrilling and devastating all at the same time.

somehow, i feel such a deep love for this young woman that lived before me, died before me, experienced joy and sorrow before me, love and loss before me. anne was so incredibly brave. she shared an intimacy with the world that most of us are afraid to share with only close friends, and while the circumstances in her life may be different than ours, emotion itself is universal. we all have the capability to feel, and do feel. we cry and laugh and dance and sing and are silent. we are individuals just like anne, which is why we are able to feel such a sincere connection to her. we – i – see bits of ourselves in anne, we see bits of her in us; and that, i believe is the real gift: empathy, catharsis, compassion.

snapshots of amsterdam.

on our boat tour of the city.

after our concert at the english church.

a snapshot of our neighborhood.

with anna, among the windmills.

amsterdam.

the city of temptation.

...

my goodness. this city is a fast one. amsterdam is sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll – seriously. it’s a fend-for-yourself, hang-on-to-your-wallet, watch-out-for-killer-cyclists type place; but it is also an amazing one. the culture is work all day, play all night, with a kind of vigor that couldn’t have been experienced anywhere else.

like bruges, canals weave their way through the city. in fact, amsterdam is actually referred to as the “venice of the north.” we took a guided boat tour on our first morning there, learning a bit more about the culture and historical landmarks. unfortunately, the rocking motion of the boat combined with the warm sun shining through the windows put many of us right to sleep. i caught angelique snoozing a bit too, though, so i didn’t feel quite so guilty.

our choir had the opportunity to perform in amsterdam as well, holding a concert at an english church there. while we waited for the concert to begin, we were waited on by the kindest old scottish man. he served us tea and coffee and made sure we had everything we could possibly need. his accent was so thick and his manners so charming that i couldn’t help but fall in love with him. he will forever be my european love.

following our concert, we were bused to a nearby nursing home, where we shared songs with the residents and shared pancakes with them afterward. by each of our place settings was a card made of tissue and construction paper, constructed by hand for each of us by the residents. on the back of each card was a hand written message of thanks for sharing our musical gifts. it was such a special token, i tucked mine in my choir folder to remind me always of those residents.

later, we had the opportunity to worship with some local evangelists and pray with them about the turmoil and sexual slavery going on in their city. we learned about a few of the leaders of the red light district industry and what is being done to minimize the number of women being forced to sell their bodies. after our worship service, we took a brief walk through the district. it was a hard walk for me. seeing those women in the windows, unloved and unrespected, was heart wrenching. it hurt so much to see their suffering, so for the remainder of the walk, i kept my eyes down and simply prayed silently.

the next morning, angelique took us into the country to learn about cheese and clog making. both were such neat processes, although very time consuming ones. some of the cheeses were aged years! similarly, clogs were meant to take many months as well. we were told that when a young dutch man wanted to begin seeing a dutch lady, he was presented with two blocks of wood by the lady’s father. when he had finally carved them into a pair of elaborate clogs, he left them on the doorstep as a sign of his love, and as a request for marriage. i adored that story, and i have decided that even though i’m not dutch, i want to be proposed to with clogs of love too.

we also wandered among windmills in another neighboring village. i had no idea how big those mechanisms actually were. it was wonderfully quaint to see them up so close.

we wouldn’t be true tourists if we didn’t sample a small taste of amsterdam’s night life. two nights in a row, a group of us went dancing at a club downtown called prime. it was such fun to let loose and dance with individuals i had become so close to. the music was mostly american, so we shouted and sang along to almost every song. those evenings were delightful, absolutely my favorites of the trip.

although at times i was somewhat intimidated by the goings-on in amsterdam, it’s safe to say that the city certainly holds a piece of my heart. it is wild, and untamed, full of lust and, of course, temptation. but alongside those is also an unapologetic quality – one that claims, “this is what i am, who i am. what you see is exactly what you get.” it’s an honest place, and that, my friends, is admirable.

snapshots of bruges.

a view of the canals.

the university singers performing on the street.

exploring the city with friends anna and brittany.

sharing songs at the homeless shelter.

bruges.

the city of beauty.

...

after chartres, i was sure there wasn’t a more beautiful place in all of europe. fortunately for me, i was mistaken. bruges is a medieval city in belgium, home to the quaintest little houses and the most stunning landscape i had seen yet. it was the only place i visited that i was sorry i didn’t have a camera of my own.

upon arrival, after a quick hotel check-in and a touch up on my mascara, we were off to explore the town. i was lucky to experience two of belgium’s finest: chocolate and waffles. i’m telling you, chocolate can be imported, but you’ll never taste a waffle like that unless you go to belgium. it’s heaven with whipped cream on top.

later that afternoon we performed another concert in a near-by cathedral, which turned out to be one of my favorite performances. our sound was so reverberant – i sang with all my heart, and it seemed i could barely keep up with the splendor of it all.

that evening brought more shopping and supper together as a group.

the next day, we traveled across town to a local homeless shelter. with us, we carried gloves, scarves and hats that we had collected back home. we sang a few of our concert songs for the people of the shelter, along with a song we learned in their native language – the hymn “how great thou art.” they even prepared a song for us, which was so special. one woman, i never learned her name, led the group. she was an old woman, with long, tousled grey hair and only one arm, but she had the loudest and most exuberant voice of all. after we sang, we were invited to dine among the residents of the shelter and visit with them. i sat right beside the woman, wanting to know her, but i was disappointed to learn that she did not know any english. the others around the table knew a bit though; i had such a wonderful time laughing and visiting with them. they were all interested in what we were studying and what we wanted to be when we grew up. they were also extremely curious about the other places we were visiting on our tour, all the while boasting that “ours is the most beautiful city, no?” i will forever remember their spirit and smiles.

we left town shortly after our visit to the shelter, although i desperately wished we had more time in bruges. it seemed just liked a city straight out of a fairytale, and anyone who knows me knows i am certainly partial to those.