at this moment, i am approximately half way through the packing process, a process which not only includes packing every imaginable scarf and boot in this tiny apartment, but also includes last minute laundry, scrubbing the mountain of dishes in the sink, and waterproofing all outerwear. in other words, the night is young..or at least i hope it is.
as i take a break from the grueling experience of "not enough wrinkle-free room," i am pausing to contemplate this unique time of night. most are asleep, text messages have significantly dropped in frequency, facebook is basically deserted, and my roommate is long asleep.
i. am. alone.
it's an eerie feeling, knowing i'm a bit of a one-woman show right now. and its funny, because lately, that self-given title seems to spill into almost every other aspect of my life. more and more, i am being challenged to rely on myself for the strength and focus needed to continue on my chosen road. for the first time in a long, long time, my time is just that: mine. i call the shots, i lead the inner monologues. i decide when, where, how, and whom. dictation belongs to me and only me, and i feel incredibly free.
however, as sweet as this new success is, solidarity can be awfully scary. it's so easy for us as humans to associate being alone with being unhappy or unapproachable. surely, if no one deems us worthy to spend time with, there must be some sort of social defect that has been discovered among our person. surely there must be some logical, fixable reason why we lack the constant attention and company of others.
well, good news, my friends. this is a lie (or at least, i have certainly found it to be untrue). you see, i am just about as blessed as they come. i have such a multitude of individuals who love and care about me, who will continue to support me, no matter what the decision, and who genuinely care about my well being as a daughter, sister, friend, student, employee, and woman. time and time again, i have been lifted from the floor - a crumpled, broken mess - and empowered and encouraged. i owe my faith, trust, and the heart on my sleeve to those who have and will continue to love me for exactly who i am: full of laughter, tears, song and a little bit of dance.
obviously, i can never fully deserve this compassion and kindness - absolutely not. the point is, though, i've got it.
i guess that means two thirty-two isn't as lonely as i thought.
over and out, all.
Beautiful post Anne. There are a few thoughts I have: 1) You are only a one-woman show because you choose to be. There is always help, you just have to ask for it. I learned this lesson. But there are so many wonderful things about being solitaire. Pick up a copy of "Letters to a Young Poet" and you will understand that to create the best art, we must first be alone and at peace with ourselves. 2) You are worth everything you are given. You can't say you don't work hard, you aren't caring, and you aren't amazing. You are rewarded in equal measure to what you give to the universe. You are blessed, and deservedly so. I love you, never forget that. 3) I have a hard time reading your font. It is adorable, but damn hard to read. Just a thought...
ReplyDeletehaley ward, i love you. you seem to know exactly what i need to hear, and exactly when i need to hear it. thank you for being the most intelligent woman i know (as well as the sexiest). i am so blessed by you.
ReplyDeleteps: font=changed. better?
when you get back, choose a night and i will show up at your room at 2:32 am. ;)
ReplyDelete